The Lovin' Ain't Over
Chapter 4 Regaining Intimacy
Sometimes preferences and sensitivities change over
time. It's important to keep asking each other what
Most aids and medications that produce or enlarge
erections will only work when the man is aroused or
stimulated. As the manufacturer of Viagra says, Viagra
does not create desire — it only helps with the performance. The essence of relearning loving is regaining passion and rediscovering secrets to arousal.
As the expression goes, "when you're hot, you're hot,
and when you're not, you're not." When you're not,
many medications will not work at all, and others will
not work as well. So before you resort to medication you
may not need, you should learn how to get stimulated
and passionate. That's what this chapter is all about.
Let's assume you have a situation where the frequency
of having sex has declined over a number of years for
many reasons. In addition, you have refrained from sex
since your therapy because of failure to perform. This
leads to disappointment, embarrassment, and frustration.
These concerns, coupled with a low frequency of having
sex before therapy, make it doubly difficult to recover the
capability and the pleasure.
Your partner, anxious not to upset you, retreats. She
feels it is better not to push, hoping that in time, you will
begin to address the problem. Unfortunately, this is a
self-defeating approach. The longer you don't make love,
the easier it is to continue not loving and the more difficult it is to resume loving.
The first action is to reset yourself mentally. This begins with exploring what each of you enjoys when you
One way to get started is to share what each one enjoyed in the past. This could reawaken the pathway for
getting excited. Then it's a really good idea to have a
"touch session" where you explore each other's bodies
and tell each other where the most sensitive points are.